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By Jamie C. Williamson, PhD

You can be “right”, or you can stay happily married.

That doesn’t mean that if you want to stay happily married, you must be a doormat.

Instead, you must learn to accept that there is no objective reality in a relationship.  There are two subjective realities – in your reality, you’re right and in your partner’s reality, they’re right.

To stay happily married, you need to find a solution that works for both of you. You can do that by following my Home Team Approach to conflict resolution.

Consider these common conflict examples:

Example #1: Who Started It? 

Jason and Ashley are eating at the bar of their favorite local restaurant. Jason is flirting with a female acquaintance next to him and Ashley is talking to her sister on her phone.  Once their food arrived, they turned toward each other. After their initial harsh “I can’t believe you…” comments they barely spoke until they got into the car and their “who started it” fight broke out.

Ashley argued that Jason started it. She would not have called her sister if he had not been flirting.

Jason argued that Ashley started it. He only flirted because she was on the phone.

They will never be able to agree on who is right in this circular conflict.  And, to stay happily married, they shouldn’t even try.

Relationship communication is a series of continuous transactions. There is no clearly identifiable beginning or ending to any communication episode.  When people think back over a stream of communication, they “punctuate” it by breaking it into smaller pieces and labeling some of the pieces causes and the other effects.

Punctuation allows people to identify the beginning and end of a communication event as a convenient way to understand and/or explain what happened first, second, and so on.

And people punctuate interaction in self-serving ways that reflect better on themselves and are consistent with their self-image.

The Home Team Approach to Conflict Resolution 

Jason and Ashley could settle this issue by following the Four Steps in the Home Team Approach:

Internally accept that they both experienced the event differently.

Validate the other’s reality.

Acknowledge their own role in what went wrong and apologize.

Commit to not letting something similar happen again.

Ashley: You must have felt so left out.  I was having such a good conversation with my sister that I didn’t realize how rude I was being to you. I’m so sorry.

Jason: You must have felt like I was trying to make you jealous.  I just hadn’t seen her in a while and wanted to catch up. I didn’t think about how it might look to you. I’m sorry, too.

Ashley: Well, what a waste of a date night for us.  We know better.

Jason:   Let’s never let it happen again.

Example #2: No, you didn’t.  Yes, I did.

Gabe and Maria drove separate cars to their cabin in North Georgia. Maria asked Gabe to stay close to her because she was nervous about driving through Atlanta at night. Gabe promised he would. Gabe led and kept Maria’s car in his rearview.  But when he moved across lanes a car often got in between them. Maria felt panicky because she had difficulty identifying Gabe’s car in the dark.

When they arrived, Maria initiated a fight, accusing Gabe of breaking his promise and causing her to feel unsafe. Gabe said she was being dramatic. He did not break his promise. He stayed close and could see her car the whole time. They replayed this “no, you didn’t, yes I did” argument the entire weekend.

The Home Team Approach Alternative

Gabe: You must have been nervous.  I didn’t realize that you couldn’t identify my car among the others at night.  I’m so sorry.  I always want you to know that I’m looking out for you.

Maria: No wonder you think I’m overreaching. I didn’t realize you had your eye on me the whole time.  Instead of fuming, I should have just called to say I couldn’t find you in the traffic.

Gabe: I should have done more to ensure there were no cars between us.

Maria: Let’s not waste another minute of our weekend on this. We’ll do better next time.

People who care more about winning an argument and being “right” than repairing their relationship, often end up divorced.  People who accept that in relationships there is no objective “right” or “wrong”, can learn to maximize their “home team” advantage and stay happily married.

Let me know how I can help. 

Jamie C. Williamson, PhD is a FL Supreme Court Certified Family Mediator and Couples Counselor who is part of the Gottman Referral Network.  She is an owner and partner at Amity Mediation Workshop, a mediation practice specializing in “friendly divorce” mediation and psycho-educational counseling for couples.  Dr. Jamie speaks frequently on relationship topics and authors the blog “Work it Out”.  You can find her online at amitymediationworkshop.com.

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By Michael McManus LCSW

This is a wonderful book that I often recommend to clients struggling with perfectionism, worthiness, and self-acceptance. In “The Gifts of Imperfection,” Brené Brown offers a profound exploration of the importance of embracing our imperfections and cultivating a life rooted in authenticity and self-acceptance. This transformative book serves as a guide for individuals seeking to overcome the societal pressures of perfectionism and to live wholeheartedly.

Brown’s writing is both relatable and insightful, drawing from her extensive research on vulnerability, shame, and resilience. She introduces the concept of “wholehearted living,” which encourages readers to let go of the relentless pursuit of perfection and instead embrace their true selves, flaws and all. Through a series of ten guideposts, she outlines practical strategies to foster self-compassion, gratitude, and resilience.

One of the book’s most powerful messages is that imperfection is not something to be ashamed of; rather, it is a fundamental aspect of being human. Brown’s candid anecdotes and relatable examples resonate deeply, allowing readers to reflect on their own struggles with self-worth and the desire for acceptance.

“The Gifts of Imperfection” is not just a self-help book; it is a heartfelt invitation to embrace vulnerability and to recognize that our imperfections can lead us to deeper connections and a more meaningful life. Brown’s warm and empathetic voice encourages readers to step into their authenticity and cultivate a sense of belonging—both to themselves and within their communities.

In conclusion, “The Gifts of Imperfection” is an essential read for anyone looking to break free from the shackles of perfectionism and to live a more authentic life. Brené Brown’s insights are both empowering and transformative, making this book a valuable resource for personal growth and self-discovery.

Michael Mcmanus LCSW is a psychotherapist in private practice in Santa Rosa Beach, Florida and can be reached at (850) 837-0123 or at Psychotherapy30A.com.

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By Stephenie Craig

Do you ever find yourself feeling nervous because you don’t know what to say in conversation? Maybe you fear you will say the wrong thing, you don’t have anything interesting to say, or you don’t know how to keep a conversation going. Maybe you have anxiety because you fear everyone is looking at you and waiting for you to say something stupid. Maybe you worry that someone will ask you a question you don’t know how or don’t want to answer.

Social situations can feel intimidating and stressful if you don’t have practiced conversation skills. You might assume people are looking for highly intellectual conversation, expert advice, or experienced problem solving. These assumptions can leave you feeling inadequate and anxious. In reality, people mostly want to feel seen and understood. And, surprisingly, you can be excellent at seeing and understanding people without needing all of the answers.

So, how do you approach conversations in ways that feel meaningful and authentic to yourself and others?

8 Ways to Create and Sustain Meaningful Conversation

1. Remember most people enjoy talking about themselves. Inviting others to talk about their life experience often gets conversation started including questions like: What gets you really excited about your work? What fun plans do you have coming up? What do you love about your favorite hobby? Tell me about how school has been going.
2. Identify an area of passion and ask follow-up questions. What do you love about aviation? What is your favorite plane? What museums have you visited? What got you started learning golf? Where is your favorite golf course?
3. Follow up, follow up, follow up questions. Often we ask a question, the other person answers and then we let the conversation drop. Instead, try asking additional questions about something they said. What trips do you have coming up? We are going to Disney World in a couple of months. What parks are you going to? What are you most looking forward to about Disney? What made you decide to go on the trip?
4. Ask open ended questions. Instead of asking a yes or no question, try asking questions that begin with words like what or how. What do you hope will happen in your work meeting? How will you feel if you get the award? How will you handle it if you aren’t invited to the party? What would feel supportive to you right now?
5. Reflect back what you heard including some emotion. It sounds like you studied really hard for that exam and it sounds like you are disappointed with the grade you received.
6. Validate. Validating is simply letting the other person know their feelings and experience   are both valid. All people have feelings and their experience is valid even if you don’t agree. It sounds like your feelings were hurt when you were left out of the friend gathering. Being left out feels really hard and hurtful. I can see how you would be feeling upset.
7. Avoid advice giving unless asked directly and it seems helpful. Most people don’t take advice from others even when they ask for it. Then, when you give advice and the other

person does not take the advice, it introduces awkward dynamics into the relationship. When others ask for advice, try saying, “I’m really not sure what you should do. What are you thinking about doing?” This helps the other person process their own ideas which they are more likely to use.

8. Engage boundaries directly. As others ask you questions in conversation, answer as you feel comfortable. If someone asks you a question you’d rather not answer, feel free to say so directly and kindly. I’m not comfortable talking about my complicated relationship with my parents, however, I really appreciate you taking an interest in my life. Then continue the conversation in another direction if you wish to stay engaged.

These conversation tools apply to friendships, family members, new and old relationships. Try practicing some as you enter into the holiday season with parties and gatherings. Remember, people most deeply want to feel seen and understood more than they want you to prove you have something important to say. As always, be patient and gracious with yourself as you learn and try new skills until you feel confident in them. Connect with us for counseling and coaching support along your journey at Journeybravely.com.

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By Christian Regalado

Last month was the beginning of the Annual Enrollment Period (AEP). Those on Medicare Advantage plans and Prescription drug plans could make a change for 2025. Most plans changed usually with a reduction of dental benefits (this is the surprise). Normally most people just allowed their Advantage Plans to automatically renew, this year, they searched for a better plan.

The reason for changes was due to the Inflation Protection Act which required insurance companies to reduce their out-of-pocket maximum for Medicare drugs from $8000 to $2000. The “Hole in the Donut” also went away which was a period where the cost of drugs went up until you went into the catastrophic phase.

This change is wonderful news for those on expensive drugs. About 10% of Medicare recipients will qualify. I had a client come in and after I listed all her prescriptions, it showed that the cost was over $4000 per month. Under the new rule, she will be capped at $2000, and she can request a payment plan from her insurance carrier and spread the cost over the year paying $167 per month. That is the good news.

Because the insurance carriers will be absorbing the balance of these costs, they have spread them to the other 90%. This is being done by increasing costs of PDPs or prescription drug plans and making changes to formularies and drug deductibles. In many cases, those with stand-alone drug plans have seen their premiums double. I’ve also found many name-brand drugs have been removed from formularies and have been replaced by generics. That is the bad news.

For those on Advantage plans that include prescription drugs, the costs can be absorbed by reducing benefits such as dental. Other benefits have also been deleted or reduced. This will vary from carrier to carrier and plan to plan but all insurance companies had to make adjustments.

One bright spot is a focus on Part B Rebate plans. Most Advantage carriers offer them and for those that don’t use medical benefits very often, you can find a plan that will make payments toward your Social Security Part B premium. Some rebates are as low as $5 and others are over $150 per month.

After looking at alternative plans, most folks will stay where they are if their plan is working for them. Others that really want a stronger drug or dental benefit may move to a plan that offers better benefits.

If for some reason you don’t make a change by the December 7 deadline, you can make one change from January to March which is the Open Enrollment Period.

Lastly, you have probably seen the many Medicare advertisements pitched by famous folks. Be careful!  They will try to collect your personal information which is sold to other telemarketers.

My recommendation is to deal with a reputable broker that won’t disappear after the sale and who will continue to work on your behalf.

Please remember that our services are free, and we can do consultations over the phone or at your home, but I also welcome clients to visit my office in Santa Rosa Beach.  I am certified with many different insurance carriers, and I am happy to answer your questions and assist any way I can.

Email me at christian@evergreenhealthins.com or call (850) 687-7606.

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