By Kirk McCarley
Bronnie Ware has lived a fascinating life in her 57 years.
An Australian author, songwriter, and motivational speaker, she is best known for the top deathbed regrets she heard during her time as a palliative care provider. They are described in her bestselling book, “The Top Five Regrets of the Dying.”
Although the book is essentially a compilation of what was communicated to Ms. Ware by those in their last several weeks on earth, the implications are poignant for anyone, causing examination of our courage, priorities, and zest. For many readers, it has brought about profound change, aroused new or dormant passions, and awakened set-aside dreams.
The common themes:
- I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
This regret was the most common. Within each of us, how many dreams have gone unfulfilled? There are obviously some to where talent or now age is going to be a limit such as becoming a professional athlete or actor. Might some of those passions be reinvented? Can you write about sports? Might you become a referee or umpire, even at the youth level? What about coaching?
- I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.
How often have we heard the bloviations of the “I work 70-80 hours a week.” Great! What have been the costs? In marriages and other relationships? For kids? Health?
This statement came from every male patient that Bonnie Ware nursed. Women also spoke of this regret, yet it was the men who were most wistful about so much of life spent on the treadmill of a work existence.
- I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
According to Ware, many people suppressed their feelings to keep peace with others. I would not dismiss that sometimes “discretion is the better part of valor,” however to what extent has it contributed to a mediocre existence?
People are going to think what they’re going to think and the reaction of others is beyond our control. However, what is the cost of things left unsaid? To you? To the other person? To others who may be close to the situation and thereby impacted? Does something need to be said, an apology given, forgiveness asked, or a pain or frustration finally shared?
- I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
In an increasingly mobile and fast-paced world, how would you rate the intimacy of relationships with friends? I’m talking about those friends who you can actually pick up the phone and call, easily picking up on conversation as if you’d spoken within the past few days. How long have those relationships now lasted?
It is common for anyone with a busy lifestyle to allow friendships to slip. Yet when faced with approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. Although those dying want to have financial affairs in order, it is not the money or status that holds true importance for them. In the end, it all comes down to love and relationships. Who needs to hear from you today?
- I wish that I had let myself be happier.
Fundamentally, happiness is a choice. Old patterns and habits are easy to get stuck in. Fear of change helps to complement the comfort of familiarity. It stifles our spontaneity while we pretend to be others and accept a “false” identity. Deep within, there is a yearning to properly laugh and experience silliness again to release that innermost child.
My buddy, Toad, used to challenge me to a game when we were young teens. The premise of the contest was to randomly select an entry from the white pages of the Fort Worth Texas phone directory and “dial” the number. When the person responded with “hello,” the objective was to record how many times you could get the receiver to respond back with “hello,” before they hung up. After an exchange of ten connections each, scores were tallied and the player with the most “hellos” was deemed champion.
Toad’s been my friend for now some 55 years. I need to call him up…and say hello.
A graduate of the University of North Texas, Kirk McCarley is a Certified Professional Coach as well as a Professional in Human Resources (PHR) and SHRM-CP Certified. He also is a Production Assistant for both college football and basketball for ESPN and leads group cycling classes as a Certified Spinning instructor. Contact kirk@theseedsowercoach.com, theseedsowercoach.com, or call 314-677-8779.
Author: Sowal Editor
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