By Victoria Ostrosky
Jessie was never sure whose fault it was. The self-help book said to look at the common denominator. That wasn’t encouraging. She was by all appearances comfortable and successful, but inside, not so much.
Her entire life was spent berating herself for not being better. A better friend or mother or daughter. She could go for days or weeks without thinking about calling or texting. She did stellar work, accomplishing the bulk of her to-do list within the first couple of hours because of her laser focus.
Jessie aways said – if I can find a pattern and understand the assignment, I can plow through a list rapidly. But for some reason, her co-workers never seemed to want to spend time with her. She had this way of speaking her mind, which apparently made others uncomfortable. She couldn’t figure that out. Weren’t they having a discussion? Why isn’t it ok to express an opinion?
One day, while scrolling through Instagram, clips about autism kept popping up and as she watched the short videos, a light bulb went off. Her entire childhood replayed itself in her mind’s eye. So that’s why she was the way she was! It all made sense now.
The extreme introverted personality coupled with high empathy. The overstimulation and subsequent meltdowns in situations where lights and noise and activity overwhelmed her. The love of being alone, avoiding group settings, living in a quiet home with everything in its place. Walking the other way to avoid speaking with a neighbor. Unreasonable pushback against change she didn’t initiate. Rewatching or rereading the same movie series or book repeatedly for months, then obsessing about something else until she had wrung every last bit of knowledge and interest out of it.
Jessie suddenly realized she wasn’t supposed to beat herself up about not being like other people. God made her brain neuro-divergent for a reason. She always said – my brain works in a straight line, so I can reach a conclusion and solve a problem quickly.
But that has some societal drawbacks. Like pretending (masking) to act like everyone around her in order to fit in, which doesn’t work well in the long run. It’s exhausting pretending to be interested in subjects that actually bore you to death, knowing that no one is interested in truly finding and implementing a solution.
She recalled all the various groups she’d joined over the years and lost interest in after a few months. She wanted to discuss topics. She wanted to find solutions. She wanted to know what others were thinking. And for some reason, the majority seemed to be put off by that.
Which has caused Jessie no small amount of sorrow over the years. Her fixed desire has been to serve God and use her spiritual gifts. However, there are high hurdles to overcome when you’re autistic. Just “joining a group” isn’t so easy. Where will they meet? Will there be food? How long will it last? Can I leave when I want? It’s so difficult to initiate conversation. Autistic people don’t tend to have large groups of friends, so finding your niche can be difficult.
But God didn’t say it would be easy. He expects us to actively search for opportunities to exercise our spiritual gifts. So, Jessie continues to lean in – intentionally placing herself in uncomfortable situations, learning what she can, and serving where she can.
Being autistic might be a reason that fitting in is difficult, but it can’t be an excuse for not putting in the effort. Our Heavenly Father has good works for each of His children to perform, that build up the Body of Christ. Our human eyes can only see the next step, but that’s ok, because God sees the whole picture and is thrilled with our participation in His plan, even when we feel it’s more struggle than success. Sometimes our personal growth is as important as the task itself.
Jessie no longer worries over her “lack” but embraces the personality and brain her Heavenly Father chose for her. The more she understands autism, the more grace she gives herself. She knows without a doubt she is cherished and dearly loved and unique. And believing that has made all the difference.
Author: Sowal Editor
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