By Stephenie Craig
Have you ever found yourself in a relationship that is feeling unhealthy? Do you notice a pattern of unhealthy relationships in your life over time and wonder why you keep attracting people who don’t treat you well? Maybe a relationship seems great at first. The other person seems fun, friendly, and interested in a relationship with you. You share significant information about yourself pretty quickly and develop a connection. Then, perhaps, you start to notice your new friend ignores you when you say no, or is only interested in talking about themself, or punishes you emotionally when you don’t give them what they want, or yells and calls you names when they are frustrated. Maybe they express jealousy when you spend time with another friend, belittle your values, or refuse to take responsibility for their behavior and blame you when they behave badly. And, when these things occur, perhaps you make excuses for them telling yourself they are just upset and won’t do it again or focus on the good moments while ignoring the disrespectful ways they are treating you.
Over time, when you stay in unhealthy relationships, your brain becomes trained to believe this is how you deserve to be treated. As you tolerate being treated poorly, you are unintentionally setting yourself up to choose other unhealthy relationships in the future. It’s also possible you grew up in an unhealthy environment that set a pattern of being treated poorly by parent figures. This scenario also creates patterns and beliefs that how you were treated as a child is what you deserve in your adult relationships. Repetitive unhealthy relationships can leave you wondering what is wrong with you and why you can’t seem to find healthy people in your life. No one wants to be surrounded by toxic relationships, but, how are you supposed to stop the cycle? How do you start choosing healthy relationships and distance from toxic relationships?
7 Ways to Choose Healthy Relationships and Distance from Toxic Relationships
- Define and notice deal breakers. Try making a list of qualities/behaviors that are relationship enders for you. Examples include: abuse of any kind (verbal, physical, sexual, emotional, financial), name calling, cursing at you, demeaning/belittling, disrespecting your consent, drug/alcohol abuse, infidelity, pushing, hitting, etc.
- Define and notice red flags. Try making a list of qualities/behaviors that signal unhealthy patterns. Examples include: offloading anger on you, blaming you for their behavior, shaming, jealous/controlling patterns, isolating you from other relationships, passive aggressive punishment of you instead of direct, respectful conversations, hateful words, talking behind your back, insecurity, holding you responsible for their mood/mental health, refusal to have conversations about your experience in the relationship, disrespect of your values.
- Define and notice green flags. Try making a list of qualities/behaviors you believe are important to have in a healthy relationship. Examples include: honesty, loyalty, respect, kindness, directness, caring, reciprocity, respect for your boundaries, calm conversations, taking responsibility, willing to apologize, listens, manages anger in healthy ways, communicates needs.
- Approach relationships slowly and intentionally. Sharing too much too fast and getting close without having time to observe long-term behavioral patterns can result in missing red flags.
- Clarify your values. When you know what is most important to you in life and relationship, it will be easier for you to notice if someone is a healthy fit for your values. Values fit does not require the other person to agree with you about everything. Values fit requires that your most important values are not in conflict with the character and lifestyle of the other person.
- Be the friend you want to have. If you want a new friend to be kind, compassionate, and respectful of your boundaries. Engage in personal growth and become kind, compassionate and respectful of boundaries. You are more likely to pursue and attract health when you are healthy.
- Be honest and let go. Be honest with yourself when someone is treating you poorly. Remember that while it is hard and sometimes complicated, you have the choice and power to step away from or end a relationship when needed. Grieving the end of a relationship is hard, however, staying in toxic relationships leads to more future toxic relationships.
Choosing more healthy relationships produces a life of positive community and support. Be patient with yourself as you navigate learning new relationship skills. Connect with us for counseling and coaching along your journey at Journeybravely.com.
Author: Sowal Editor
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