By Christine Rushford, Coastal Counseling
Many parents complain that their teenagers no longer talk with them. Communication has now taken the form of sullen mumbling or random, rage-filled outbursts. Many teens prefer the company of friends rather than family which leads to hurt feelings all around. As children turn into teenagers their job is to separate from the parents/caregivers in their lives. It is developmentally appropriate and necessary for them to begin to pull away and become independent.
One of my most frequent pieces of advice to parents of teens who come to my office is, “Don’t take anything personally.” Teenagers are in a difficult stage of life. They are figuring out who they are independent of parents. There are several steps that you can take to ensure communication remains intact with your teen. The first step might sound obvious, but you must be in the same room as your teen. As any parent of a teenager can tell you, it is not unusual for your child to stay in his or her room for long periods of time and deliver heavy eye rolling and sighs when you enter their domain. For that reason, I suggest the next popular room in the house for teenagers-the kitchen. Prepare a favorite snack when your teen is due home from school. Be sure that you are able to be completely present in that moment-no cell phone, no work emails, etc.
A very important step in communicating with your teen is to listen. So often as parents we jump in to offer advice or point out what our child did wrong in a situation. Our teens will shut down immediately if there is any sense of judgement or criticism as a response to their opening up to us. Instead, focus on active listening skills-nodding your head in agreement, leaning into the conversation and empathizing, “That’s lousy that Jennifer said that to you…” There is so much that is said without words, you will get a glimpse into your teen’s world if you pay attention to body language and facial expressions. If your teen is saying something that you disagree with, hold it to yourself and approach the topic at a later time.
As children grow into teenagers, rules and expectations will need to be adjusted. Allow your teen the ability to have some input into the rules that govern their life. If you immediately shut down your teen’s attempts to negotiate with rules, you risk shutting down their communication all together. Everyone has a need to feel heard, including teenagers. This doesn’t mean that you give into every request your teen makes regarding missing curfew, but if you hear your teen out, you might find he has a valid point. If he knows you are willing to listen to him, he will be more wiling to speak up.
One final suggestion to improve communication between you and your teen is to set limits on their cell phone usage. This is not a popular tactic with teens of course, but it is necessary. Set times throughout the day where a technology ban is in place-meal time, one hour before bedtime, when in the car, etc. Our kids have distraction right in their back pockets, they do not feel the need to communicate with those around them. They also lack the impulse control to refrain from looking at their phones. When we take away that distraction, they might complain at first, but at least they will be talking to you! Eventually it will just become an accepted expectation within the home that opens up opportunity for talk. Don’t forget, the cell phone ban is for everyone in the home-including parents.
These years with teenagers are fleeting, just as their toddler years were as well. As your teen gains confidence in who she is as a person, you will see a return to easy conversations. Have patience, give love (especially when he is unlovable) and engage in active listening.
Author: SWal Life
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