By Stephenie Craig
Have you ever done something kind for someone you value to then feel like it went largely unnoticed? Do you feel frustrated when you spend time and energy investing in a relationship to feel like the other person doesn’t really see or appreciate your investment? Doing thoughtful things for your loved ones matters, however, the human instinct, most often, is to do for others what you would like someone to do for you. And, while that approach works sometimes, often the other person in the relationship feels most loved and seen in ways that might be different than what helps you feel loved and seen.
Maybe you are spending energy cleaning your child’s room and packing time consuming lunches when what really makes your child feel seen and loved is playing a game with you. Maybe you are spending energy buying something for your partner when what really makes them feel seen or loved is time and meaningful conversation. Maybe you are spending energy planning a party for a friend when what makes them feel most loved is a spontaneous lunch with you.
Investing energy in relationships unintentionally can create frustration, confusion, and disconnection over time as both parties can end up feeling unseen. So, how do you figure out how to invest energy in your relationships strategically so your effort is landing in a way that feels meaningful to the other person? And, how do you learn to communicate your needs clearly to others so they can invest energy strategically in their relationship with you?
7 Ways to Invest Relationship Energy Strategically
- Let go of mind reading. Mind reading is a myth. Culture has sold you a false idea that mind reading equals love. No one can read your mind and you can’t read theirs. And, that’s perfectly okay. Let go of expecting yourself or others to read minds when it comes to what makes you or them feel seen and loved.
- Reflect on what makes you feel seen and loved. Notice what makes you feel valued, connected, deeply seen and known. Do you feel most seen with side by side time together, meaningful conversation, acts of service, physical touch, encouraging words, gifts, surprises? Notice that what makes you feel seen works for you but is not necessarily the same for others.
- Ask the other person what makes them feel seen and loved. Be curious and take notes. Remember, your way of feeling seen is not the right way, it’s just your way. Let the other person have space to need and want what feels best and most connecting to them in the relationship.
- Make adjustments in your approach. Make consistent and meaningful efforts to spend more energy on what helps the other person feel seen and loved and less energy on things that do not matter as much to them.
- Tell people what you need. Communicate clearly what helps you feel seen and connected in your relationships. Remember that communicating what you want and need does not take away from the value when the other person gives you what you’re asking for. Being clear about your needs makes you more likely to get what you need and to feel connected in your relationships. Instead of hoping someone reads your mind about wanting a nice dinner for your birthday, tell them a nice dinner would make you feel loved.
- Give and notice positive feedback. When your friend does something that felt meaningful, tell them directly what it meant to you. When your family member tells you the focused time you spent with them was meaningful, take mental note and prioritize spending focused time with them.
- Initiate check in conversations periodically. Try directly discussing connection in your relationships. Ask the other person how it’s going for them? Don’t judge their response. Share your connection needs.
Spending your relationship energy strategically feels better and much less frustrating. Be patient with yourself and others as you learn. Connect with us along your journey for coaching and counseling at Journeybravely.com.
Author: Sowal Editor
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