Musings

What do you want, really?

January 13, 2025

By Stephenie Craig

You’re back to a new year with resolutions to overhaul areas of life. Maybe you’re back to the gym or back to morning practices or back to church, crossing your fingers you can keep it going longer than last year.

While the idea of positive life change is helpful, resolutions are often missing a key ingredient to make them truly life impacting. Why does the resolution matter? Why are you trying to change? Are you changing because someone judged you, you don’t feel enough, you’re jealous of someone else? Are you changing because you have something to prove, you want better photos to post, you’re seeking approval? Judgement, shame, and approval seeking will only drive change for short periods of time. If you want long-term life change, it’s time to ask a different question.

What do you want, really?

When you get to the end of life and reflect back on how you lived, what you made important, how you invested your energy, what do you want to be true about the person you’ve been and the way you lived your life? What do you want, really?

8 Steps to Figure Out What You Want, Really

Ask yourself what you want, really. Brainstorm what you want. “I want to double my current income.”
Ask yourself, “What will that get you?” What will doubling your income get you? It will give me more freedom for family vacations. What will more family vacations get you? More vacations will give me more time with my family. What will more time with your family get you? More time with family will help me know what’s going on with my kids beyond grades and activities. And what will knowing what’s going on with your kids more get you? It will get me more authentic, connected relationship with them so they know I really want to know them.
Follow the “What will that get you?” question to the deeper desires and values. Name your desires and values. What I want really is to have an authentic, connected relationship with my kids and for them to know I really want to know them.
Clarify what you want, really. So, it’s not really that I want to double my income (while that would be nice), what I really want is deeper, more connected relationships in my family.
Orient your priorities and choices toward what you really want. Try using reminders in your phone and post it notes for several weeks to remember your value/desire. How am I scheduling my time this week to prioritize more meaningful connection with my family? How are we considering family connections when we sign up for family activities? How am I putting boundaries around my phone time to prioritize family connection? How am I showing up in conversations with my family this week? What will I choose to say no to so I can say yes to what I really want?
Determine how you will measure your progress at the end of 2025. How will you know if you have engaged in more authentic, connected relationships with your kids and shown that you really want to know them? I will know based on how much they share about their lives outside of grades/sport. I will know based on average face to face time spent talking or having fun together each week. I will know based on how affectionate we are or how much we laugh together.
Celebrate progress or evaluate lack of progress. If you made progress in living toward what you want, enjoy and continue to lean into change. If you don’t see the progress you were hoping for, identify the one thing that prevented progress the most. Distraction with work on my phone during family time was the one thing that prevented progress the most.
Determine the one thing you can commit to that will most likely move you toward what you really want. I will create a phone/email boundary from 5-9 so I can be more present with family in the evenings.

Approaching personal growth from your deeper values drives long-term change much more effectively than trying to live up to an external standard. Remember that orienting your life habits to your values takes time and commitment and is very worth the work. Connect with us along your journey for counseling and coaching at Journeybravely.com.

Author: Sowal Editor