By Stephenie Craig
When were you last wronged, hurt, or offended by someone? Think about the intense moment of offense and try remembering how it felt and what you wanted to do next. Maybe you wanted to use snarky words to put them in their place. Perhaps you wanted to justify your rightness and their wrongness. Or, you may have judged them from a place of self-righteousness. Maybe you labeled the person as bad and less valuable. And, maybe, most of all, you decided to see them as your enemy.
Labeling others as enemies is easy and comfortable because it allows you to feel right and to avoid self-examination. When you label someone as “them” or your enemy, you view them as a villain and yourself as a victim; a victim of their behavior, a victim of their values, a victim of their choices, a victim of their decisions. Initially, labeling someone as an enemy feels intoxicating. You feel justified, good, right, and have the illusion of standing on higher moral ground. However, eventually, seeing yourself as a victim creates insidious results. You begin to feel resentful, bitter, vengeful, powerless, depressed and hateful.
In many cases, embracing victimhood results in you becoming a different version of a villain. You may find yourself feeling justified in “an eye for an eye” perspective toward your proclaimed enemies because, after all, their bad behavior justifies your poor response. Labeling others as enemies gives a false sense of permission to treat others poorly without taking accountability for living out your own values. Making others into enemies most often stirs up fear, hatred, and defensiveness rather than stirring love, compassion, confidence and kindness.
While it’s an undeniable reality that you will encounter people who challenge your values and sensibilities, ultimately, you are responsible for how you show up in the world. Someone else’s behavior or attitude does not determine yours, even when you see them as an enemy. You have the empowered ability to be in charge of your attitude and behavior, regardless of how anyone else is showing up. So, how do you walk away from making enemies easily and lead with love instead?
7 Ways to Lead with Love Even When It’s Hard
- Notice. Notice who you see as an enemy. Who is hard for you to love? Why? Be curious within yourself about why you are bothered by the other person. Focus less on the other person’s behavior and more on what is happening inside of you in response to them.
- Self-examine. Reflect on your own struggles. Where are you being unforgiving, unkind, judgmental, self-righteous, envious. Remember your own imperfection before you judge others harshly and label them as enemies. Imagine the grace you would like to receive from others in your areas of weakness when you consider your approach toward others.
- Remember our shared humanity. Being human isn’t easy and can be a painful struggle. Often, those you see as enemies are hurt people struggling with wounds they don’t know how to resolve. Try preceding your judgment with understanding and compassion.
- Remember your values. Do you value love, forgiveness, justice, goodness, and kindness? Consider how you can align your treatment of others with your values in the way you hope others would apply them to you.
- Love anyway. Try walking in the way of love toward others, even those who feel like enemies. Do something kind when you want to retaliate. Be generous when you want to punish. Walk away when you want to say something unkind. Pray for people who challenge you. Practice radical love even when it is hard to do so. In loving this way, it will become more clear to you how loved you are by God. Also, it is hard to demonize others when you are busy loving them.
- Engage your power. You are not a victim of anyone, no matter how difficult the other person is for you. You have been given the power to determine how you want to live and treat people. Use your power wisely and for the greater good.
- Release. Release your perceived right to hold grudges and hatred toward others. Clinging to bitterness poisons you and the world around you.
We live in a cultural moment that encourages us to see enemies around every corner. Consider trying something different. Instead, remember the best chance of inspiring change in others and the world is to embody a loving, joyful approach to your values while inviting others to come along. Connect with us at Journeybravely.com for support along your journey.
