By Stephenie Craig

Think of a time when someone hurt you. Maybe they did not show up for you when you needed them or they took their anger out on you. Maybe they said something mean or did something careless that made more work for you. Now, think about what you needed from them to feel restored to a place of connection in the relationship. Did you need them to acknowledge what happened, the role they played, and how it negatively impacted you? Did you need to hear that they cared about your feelings and would make an effort to change? Did you need an apology?

Apologizing is directly acknowledging with words intentional or unintentional hurt caused by your behavior and committing to make genuine efforts to reduce or eradicate the hurtful behavior in future interactions without blaming the other person. Good apologies include genuine remorse, clear taking of responsibility, acknowledgement of wrongdoing, validation of feelings, and do not make qualifications or excuses for the behavior. Genuine apologies differ from unnecessary apologizing about things that don’t warrant an apology like sneezing, asking for help, getting bumped into by someone, or saying no. Genuine apologies are not insincere or falling on the sword to avoid conflict. Genuine apologies are the acknowledgement of your real behavior that caused problems or hurt for another.

It’s often easier to notice times you need someone else to take responsibility for their hurtful behavior than it is to notice times you need to take responsibility for your hurtful behavior. Though important, genuine apologies are difficult for many people. About a quarter of Americans surveyed found it difficult to offer a genuine apology. Close to half of Americans surveyed reported their apologies “rarely” or “sometimes” being genuine. Avoiding apologies reflects difficulty embracing your human fallibility. Despite your best efforts, you will hurt someone else whether you mean to or not. In light of this reality, you have an opportunity to embrace the emotionally mature skill of humble self evaluation. Try asking questions like: Is it possible I was accidentally hurtful even if my intentions were not hurtful? Can I give someone else the space to have an emotional experience that might be different from mine? Is insisting I am right more important than how the other person is experiencing me in the relationship?

Apologies can make or break a relationship. One in five people report having lost a relationship because they refused to apologize. You can be self-righteous, “right,” and have disconnection in your relationships. Or, you can master genuine apologizing and experience deeper connection and higher self-awareness. I often say to my clients, “Don’t be stingy with genuine apology, instead sprinkle authentic apologies generously like sprinkles on ice cream.” Sprinkling genuine apologies helps marriages, friendships, parent/child relationships, sibling relationships, work relationships…all relationships. So, how do you improve at making genuine apologies?

Seven ways to Become Skilled at Sprinkling Genuine Apologies 

1. Listen humbly. When someone tells you your behavior has been hurtful or problematic, try listening to them. Give others space to have an emotional experience that does not match your intentions.
2. Step away from defensiveness. Notice your urge to immediately interrupt, defend, or explain your intention and behavior. Instead, try reminding yourself that you will have time to clarify your intentions at a later moment if needed.
3. Validate. Genuinely try to understand how the other person experienced your behavior. Use words that indicate you can see how they might have experienced your behavior differently than you intended. Validation is not agreement. It is making space for someone to have a valid, different experience from your own.
4. Reflect. Is it possible I was hurtful either intentionally or unintentionally? Is there some responsibility I need to take? Am I prioritizing being right over connection?
5. Map your apology using the following template: I apologize for ________________. I should not have done that. I can see that my behavior hurt you and your feelings matter to me. I will work on handling this differently in the future. An example might be, “I apologize for using mean words and taking my anger out on you. That wasn’t okay. I can understand why you felt hurt and our relationship is important to me. I will work on using more kindness and patience in the future.”
6. Refrain from saying, “I’m sorry, but….” For example, “I’m sorry I yelled at you, but if you had listened to me the first three times I asked you, I would not have had to yell at you.” Try remembering that you are ultimately in charge of how you behave and respond. Blaming the other person for your poor response negates the apology.
7. Change the behavior. Put effort into actually working on what you said you would do differently in the future. Apologies lose their effectiveness when hurtful behavior is repetitive without change.

While embracing the skill of genuine apologizing can feel uncomfortable, it is also very freeing to take responsibility for your behavior. No one needs to be perfect, however, we do all need connection. And, connection feels safer in the presence of authentic, heartfelt apology. Connect with us along your journey for counseling and coaching at Journeybravley.com.

By Kirk McCarley

In another day I served on an interviewing panel that evaluated and made recommendations for police officer selection.  A fellow panelist was a Police Lieutenant.  A question he often asked candidates was “how do you make a decision?”

The Lieutenant evaluated responses on several factors.  First, could the applicant think “on their feet,” and under pressure?  Second, was there in fact a step-by-step thought process that went into the decision?  Third, were the steps logical and sensible?  Finally, did the process indicate an internal or external influence?  In other words, was the decision predicated upon what would represent popular sentiment  or more based on personal and organizational values and ethics?”

How do you make your decisions, and what factors go into your process?  How are you influenced?  Is there a model you follow?

Morton Thiokol was a company with two primary missions.  Morton was salt and chemicals and Thiokol focused on aerospace and rockets.

Thiokol contracted with NASA to produce rubberized O-rings, a component of the solid rocket booster, a key element to propelling rocket ships into space.

Prior to launch day in early 1986, an uncharacteristically chilly morning prevailed at the Space Shuttle Challenger site in Cape Kennedy, FL.  Weather forecasts predicted sub-freezing temperatures.  Thiokol engineers debated the efficacy of the launch.  It was unknown how the O-rings would perform in the cold.  Delaying the launch, though, would not only result in inconvenience and financial setback, but disappoint those anxious to witness it.

Strong protests were voiced, especially by one engineer, Roger Boisjolly, until ultimately the pro-launch now decision was reached.  On the morning of January 28, 1986, the Challenger exploded shortly after takeoff, taking the lives of seven passengers, including one teacher.

The 1984 Orange Bowl featured the undefeated and #1 ranked Nebraska Cornhuskers and the one loss and fourth-ranked Miami Hurricanes.  A win for Miami would result in a likely National Championship due to the outcome of earlier bowl games that same day.

Late in the fourth quarter Miami was nursing a seven-point lead with less than a minute to play.  A daring quarterback scramble by Nebraska on fourth down resulted in a touchdown and brought the Cornhuskers to within a point with seconds remaining on the clock.  A near certain extra point kick would tie the score and result in Nebraska preserving an undefeated season and the college football championship.

Nebraska Coach Tom Osborne decided to go for the win via two-point conversion.  When the conversion pass was batted down, the Cornhuskers were defeated and the Hurricanes crowned as champions.

Questioned later about his decision, Osborne, remarked, “We were trying to win the game.  I don’t think you go for a tie in that case.  You try to win the game.”

A week later a reporter asked the coach again about his decision.  “I don’t think any of our players would be satisfied with a tie.  I don’t think that’s the way to do it.”

In the 1957 movie “Twelve Angry Men,” Henry Fonda plays a juror in what appears to be a “slam dunk” case of a “slum” kid murdering his abusive father.  Before rendering a 12-0 decision Fonda first wants more discussion, testing the patience of the other 11 jurors, ready and anxious to “move on with their days.”  Eventually another juror acknowledges there are more questions to be asked, followed by another until finally the jury reverses to a 12-0 “not guilty” verdict.

Consider a couple other instances of high-stake decisions with costs.

• John McCain, son of a Navy Admiral, declined preferential treatment in North Vietnam, accepting five and a half years of beatings and torture rather than choosing a release ahead of his troops.
• Rosa Parks, a seamstress in Montgomery, AL, defied segregation laws in 1955 by refusing to give up her bus seat to white passengers.  Her arrest led to the Montgomery bus boycott, a significant event in the civil rights movement.

How do you make a decision?  Would you have launched or grounded the Challenger?  Gone for a tie and a championship or insist on a win?  Been the hesitant juror?

A graduate of the University of North Texas, Kirk McCarley is a Certified Professional Coach as well as a Professional in Human Resources (PHR) and SHRM-CP Certified. He is also a Production Assistant for both college football and basketball for ESPN and leads group cycling classes as a Certified Spinning instructor. Contact kirk@theseedsowercoach.com, theseedsowercoach.com, or call  (314) 677-8779.

By Rev. Pete Hyde

I recently bumped into some folks at Walmart  northwest Arkansas.  This is my old stomping ground from my high school days.  “What’s the best BBQ restaurant?”  Hobo Joe’s in Lowell.  “Where do you get the best family style fried chicken served family style with all the fixin’s?”  The Monte Ne Inn that sits in the shore of Beaver Lake.  Just a little way from there is an old amphitheater the lake covered when it filled in the late 60s.  When the lake level is down, the old amphitheater makes an appearance and then disappears again when the level rises.  It is like an old haunting reminder of the way things used to be.  The past and the memories are just below the surface.

I was back in Rogers, Ark., where I graduated from High school, a couple of years ago. Yes, it has changed.  It was the first time I had been back in six or seven years.  When we moved there after Dad retired from the Air Force in 1970, the population of Rogers was just a little over five thousand.  Today the highway sign says about 55,000.  Some of the “old spots” where still there, but the surroundings were so changed that if you didn’t know what you were looking for you would miss it.

Dirt, country roads are now paved, and the pastures are covered with subdivisions and strip malls.  Where my high school girlfriend and I used to go horseback riding probably would not let horses in the gated communities.  The soda fountain/drug store downtown is now an antique and craft shop.  Just like the lake had covered the amphitheater, the new had covered the old.

A bit of nostalgia took over.  I almost wish I could make it all the “way it was.”  I wish I could dust off the streets and walk through the familiar neighborhood, visit the familiar faces.  I wish I could…but I can’t.  I must accept the change – like it or not.  I cannot live in the past no matter how comfortable and wonderful I have convinced myself it was.  Would I really want to go back and live those turbulent teenage years over again?  Honestly, No!  Some days, maybe.

The Apostle Paul writes, “Hope that is seen is not hope, why does one still hope for what he sees?” (Romans 8:24) My hope, our hope is not in the past – what we have seen or can see.  Our hope is in the new creation, new life, new direction that comes to us through the saving power of Christ and the sustaining power of the Holy Spirit.  Our hope is in what lays ahead, not the idealized images of the past.

Change is the only constant in our lives.  Change is never easy.  We usually don’t change until the pain of functioning in the “same old” way is greater than the pain of making the necessary changes.  I believe this is true for each of us, for our churches, for our nation, for our world, for humanity.

Renewal and restoration are constant themes of the Bible.  The shepherd writes “He restores my soul.” He doesn’t bring back the past.  He doesn’t camouflage the old. He restores and makes new.  He will restore the calling.  He will restore the mission.  HE WILL RESTORE THE HOPE.  HE WILL RESTORE THE SOUL.

No matter what our age,  no matter what our stage or circumstance in life, we cannot live without hope.  We cannot hold so tightly to the “old ways” that they become an immovable anchor keeping us from our true potential.  We are being shaped daily by the Master Sculptor.  He chisels, chips, sands and shapes to bring out what he has in mind for us.  He rounds and smooths the rough corners of our character.

Sometimes this chiseling, chipping, sanding and rounding is painful and uncomfortable.  But when we allow the Master Sculptor to have his way with our lives, then we become all that he has intended for us to be.  And when the final shine is placed on the sculpture of our lives, the life of our church, our nation, our world, we will stand brilliantly in His presence, having achieved all he has sought for us to achieve.

“O Lord, chisel me, chip me, sand me, polish me, shape me, mold me into what you would have me be and yes, Lord, comfort me in the pain and discomfort of the process.  For you are making all things “NEW” and that includes me.  My HOPE is in you.”  Amen.

Rev. Pete Hyde serves as chaplain with the South Walton Fire District

By Sean Dietrich

Right now, the news media is in an uproar over AI. The headlines are bleak. Experts are saying our cherished way of life is in danger. Pretty soon, if things keep going this direction, they say we will lose basic human abilities, such as empathy, sustained focus, and the ability to spel withot autocorrek.

And while I know I’m supposed to be terrified of AI, I’m not worried. Namely, because right now, I’m busy watching “The Dog House.”

“The Dog House” is a TV series about people who adopt pets in Godmanchester, England. The show documents stories of animal rescues from the Wood Green Pets Charity, and it is crack for dog lovers.

After a few moments of watching, you’re rooting for families, for rescues, for the rescue staff, and you’ve finished two bags of Chili Cheese Fritos.

This show is nearly perfect. On the “International Sean Dietrich Adorable-TV Scale,” a scale ranging from 1 to 10 (with 10 being, say, “Lilo & Stitch,” and one being “A Clockwork Orange”), “The Dog House” receives a score of 632,348.

This is because the show is positive.

Have you ever tried practicing positivity? Have you ever actively been positive for a full 24 hours?

Yes. I know. Some see positivity as willful ignorance. Others see positivity as pure stupidity. But personally, I have always seen positivity as a five-syllable word.

Even so, positivity is not just ANY five-syllable word such as “geometrical,” “vegetarian,” or “Lithuania.” Those are regular five-syllable words. No, positivity is real.

Everything in this world is made of energy. If you were to magnify any object to the atomic level, you’d see only waves or particles. Many particles carry an electrical charge.

That chair in the corner is really just energy. The phone you’re holding: Energy. The crumpled Frito-Lay bag lying next to you on the sofa: Also energy.

So, in electrical terms, “positivity” actually means something different than you might think.

Let’s go back to high-school physics class for a moment. Quit doodling in your history textbook and altering that image of Queen Victoria and Prince Albert, you pervert. Let’s talk about electrical circuits.

Recall that an electrical circuit won’t work if each point carries the same voltage. Take your house. Light and power only happen in your home when there is a potential difference between high points (positives) and low points (negatives).

Now apply this to life in general.

Daily life is filled with high and low points. A high point in your day might be finding $50 in your coat pocket, whereas a low point would be, for example, undergoing an IRS audit that lasts about as long as dental school—not that this has ever happened to me.

Positive thinking isn’t about pretending low points don’t exist. Hardship, frustration, grief, disaster—those things happen. But in electrical terms, these low points offer low electrical potential.

You CAN’T get an electrical current flowing if you’re not positively charging your circuit.

So, once again, sticking with electrical jargon:

If you deal with the low points, but actively aim for the high points, you will generate a current. The current will start small. But it will build. Because that’s what energy does. It grows.

The more positivity you build, the more positive the people around you will become. One electrical current can spread across the world. Across the universe. Across time and space. Touching nearly every human on the planet.

If, however, you only focus on low points, you’re—electrically speaking—dead. Like a dead electrical outlet. Or a dead toaster oven.

Over time, your body and mind will become so lethargic you’ll require energy from external sources to survive. Other people in your life can feed you positive energy for a little while, but not forever.

Ultimately, you’ll drain your loved ones until their batteries are almost dead, too. Pretty soon, THEY’LL become negatively charged. Your negativity will alter them. Their negativity will alter THEIR loved ones. And the negativity loop will get bigger and bigger, affecting more and more people, until there’s nothing left on this Earth but AI.

Sean Dietrich is a columnist, and novelist, known for his commentary on life in the American South. His work has appeared in Southern Living, The Tallahassee Democrat, Good Grit, South Magazine, Alabama Living, the Birmingham News, Thom Magazine, The Mobile Press Register and Life Media publications, and he has authored seven books.