The Only Person You Can Change Is You

By Stephenie Craig

Do you ever find yourself exhausted, irritated, and resentful when a person in your life won’t start or stop certain behavior? Maybe they don’t take care of themselves as you think they should or they won’t stop a habit you think is negative. Maybe you want them to study more, drink less, exercise more, be happier, be more punctual, focus better, work less, be less angry, be less critical, parent differently, or relax more. Behavior of others that is not aligned with your life approach can create significant discomfort and can feel annoying or even infuriating.

How do you respond to difficult behavior? Common approaches include passive aggressive remarks, nagging, withdrawing, or saying mean things. While these strategies give a momentary sense of taking action, none produce meaningful change. Often, your desire for change comes from a positive desire for the person to have a good life. Other times, the desire for change is motivated by you believing your way is the right way and everyone else should just get on board. Regardless of the motivation, you can’t change other people. Period. Science and years of experience reveal humans change when the discomfort of their current behavior outweighs the inherent discomfort of change.

Change is an internal job. People change when they decide they are willing to do the uncomfortable and unfamiliar work of trying something new even when it is hard. No amount of external pressure from you has the power to motivate change in another. While hard to accept, it is incredibly freeing to realize it has never been and will never be your job to get someone else to change. You can invest the energy you’ve been putting into changing others into your internal work of change and growth. So, how do you shift from trying to change others to engaging personal growth?

12 Ways to Engage Personal Growth and Stop Trying to Change Others

1. Notice. Notice the frustrated, irritated, annoyed, angry, resentful energy you are feeling toward someone. Notice where you feel it in your body. Try being curious about the origin of the feelings. Notice patterns of irritated feelings and how they relate to a pattern of behavior in the other person.
2. Admit. Ask yourself if you are trying to control or change someone else’s behavior. Am I trying to get someone to start or stop a behavior? If the answer is yes, admit to yourself you are trying to control something you can’t control.
3. Remind. Remind yourself, despite your best desires and efforts, you have never and will never have the power to change another person.
4. Rest. Rest into the reality and freedom of not being responsible for changing others. 5. Decide. Decide how you will respond to difficult behavior. You are in charge of your response despite the behavior of someone else.
5. Discover. Look inside yourself to discover the deeper reasons the behavior is bothering you. Do you have historical wounds around the behavior? Is the behavior a barrier to connection in your relationship? Does the behavior scare you? Does feeling out of

control create feelings of insecurity for you? Do you hold a belief that bad things will happen if others don’t do things the way you do?

7. Sort. Sort whether the difficult behavior is something you can let go. Every behavior does not need to change. Sometimes making space for the other person to be different than you without judgement is most helpful. If you determine the behavior is truly causing problems, reach for directness rather than nagging.
8. Communicate. If you’ve identified the behavior as a true problem, calmly and directly communicate your concerns. Try going light on judgement and asking curious questions to understand the other person’s perspective about the behavior.
9. Boundaries. Decide what you will do or not do if the behavior continues long-term. Follow through on boundaries over time.
10. Model. Model healthy behavior in your interactions with the other person. If you are asking them to relax more, prioritize relaxing. Try modeling with a joyful attitude rather than one of judgement.
11. Encourage. Verbally acknowledge positive change the other person makes regarding the difficult behavior.
12. Accept. If the other person chooses not to change the behavior, accept their choice. You can’t make them choose differently. Instead, focus on how you will interact in the relationship.

Accepting you can’t change anyone but yourself is uncomfortable but freeing. Lean into the freedom and be gracious with yourself and others as you navigate letting go of trying to change others. Connect with us for counseling and coaching along your journey at Journeybravely.com.

Author: Sowal Editor

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