By Stephenie Craig
Do you find yourself grumbling about people doing things the wrong way? If they would just do or see things the right way, which just happens to be your way, the world would be a much better place? If slow drivers would drive in the right lane, if your friend would understand your intentions and know you weren’t trying to hurt them, if your family would load the dishwasher correctly, if people would vote the right way, if others would move through the world living the same way as you, the right way, the world would be right.
While it is important to clarify and live by your beliefs, not everyone is going to share your perspective, practices, faith, personality, and preferences. In fact, even your closest people might prioritize and live differently than you. You can choose to use energy judging, being frustrated, and trying to control or shame behavior of others. Or, you can accept there are many ways to be a person and the only person you can control is yourself.
How people live is based on personality, personal strengths, upbringing, faith background, education, geographic location, social culture, mentoring relationships, personal mistakes and personal experiences. Once layered together, you find many expressions of being human, some of which create discomfort for you. Discomfort is by nature challenging and can motivate you to believe the solution is to change others to be more like you and to admit you are right. In reality, interacting with people who are different from you is actually one of the life’s greatest growth tools.
When you encounter differences, you can judge, distance, grumble, or, you can learn to seek curiosity, understanding, kind communication, and acknowledging humanity in disagreement. Respecting differences does not mean abandoning your values. Instead, it means acknowledging that both you and the other person can both be lovable human beings while expressing values differently. It also means choosing between prioritizing being right or being meaningfully connected to others. I often tell couples in my office, “You can keep prioritizing being right and eventually split up, or you can loosen your grip on being right and prioritize curiosity about the other person’s experience.”
So, how do you loosen your grip on being seen as right and pursue understanding and connection while still living by your values?
7 Ways to Love Connection More Than You Love Being Right
- Explore and clarify your own values. Think about how your values have been shaped, what your values are, and what makes your values important to you. Reflect on how it feels to you when others respect your values vs. when others minimize, shame, or disrespect your values.
- Notice differences. Notice when you find yourself frustrated, irritated, or judging someone else who is living differently from you. Notice any instincts to belittle others or assume negative things about the personhood of others doing things differently.
- Remember what you can control and what you can’t. You have been put in charge of managing your thoughts, feelings, behavior, choices, and your boundaries. You have not been given any control over others thoughts, feelings, behavior, choices, or boundaries. Try moving toward a deep acceptance of placing your energy where it belongs and letting go of trying to control others.
- Reach for curiosity over judgement. Try asking genuine, curious questions seeking to understand how others have arrived at different conclusions about how they live. Seek to humbly grow and learn from these conversations rather than assuming you have everything figured out. Wisdom is found in being both a learner and a teacher.
- Pursue mutual respect. Hold to your own values which will sometimes mean you disagree. Try speaking openly and kindly about the difference. Also, remember others embrace their values with as much conviction as you do. Respect their humanity as much as you would like them to respect yours in disagreement.
- Evaluate your intentions. Sort when it’s time to speak up about what you believe is right from care, advocacy and love vs. the urge to speak from a place of insecurity, self-righteousness, or needing to be seen as right.
- Lean into connection. Remember people need connection with God and others. Remember that God loves each person and does not fear values conflicts. Treat others with love and patience God extends to you as you imperfectly navigate life.
Be honest and kind with yourself and others as you address patterns around being right and being connected. Learning to prioritize connection over being right can be both relationship and life changing. Connect with us along your journey for counseling and coaching at journeybravely.com.
